By Soo Young Lee
Using his thumb and index finger, he squishes a piece of bread before he pops it into his mouth. He licks the amber beads of honey on the next slice and slowly savors each bite. I am watching my son eat his first bite of fresh bread in three years. Two years ago, I found out that he was severely allergic to wheat. Since then his sandwiches were made with frozen bricks of bread made with rice. The sad thing about rice bread is that it looks like the real thing, but the gluey texture always gives it away. All this changed when we discovered fresh-baked spelt bread.
Seeing this display of complete enjoyment made me realize how easy it is to take things for granted. It seems so easy to focus on what we don't have and so hard to appreciate what we do have in our lives. Sometimes it is the little details that we let slip by like being able to roll bread into balls, running after the bus, the smell of rain at night, and finding the time to read to your child before bed. Children experience life with such wonder and joy because they see and experience many things for the first time. As we grow up, we dull our senses and tend to move through daily life in a dull stupor. By example, we are teaching our children to desensitize themselves before they are really given a chance to explore the world again and again with new eyes.
I think there is a general movement to try and stay present in the small details, to take the time to be thankful, and to realize that life is not about a constant state of longing. There are many books written on the topic of being present, gratitude journals are being written in everywhere, and classes are forming in self-awareness. As single parents, I think it is crucial to teach our children to focus on the positive aspects of their lives. Many people may see the disadvantages of raising our children outside the structure of a nuclear family. They may point out what the children are lacking in terms of support, role models, and financial help. While we do struggle with these factors as single parents, the opportunity to create community with a wider range of people, personalities, and perspectives can be an incredible benefit of the non-nuclear family structure. I think being a single parent forces me to find a larger group of people to involve in my chosen family. Many years ago, a large community of elders, family members, and friends raised children. I can only imagine how they benefited from the security and diversity of such a makeshift family.
As our children interact socially with other children and families, they will become aware of what is different in their family structure. How we handle and present these differences will later shape their ideas of what are acceptable and non-acceptable examples of family. I remember my son lamenting the fact that he did not have a father in his life. While still validating his feelings, I let him know that he was also very lucky to be close to the other members of the extended family such as grandparents and uncles. His unique situation allowed him the space and freedom to be with his other family members on a regular basis. I tried to explain to him that it is just as important to explore your feelings on what you do have as well as thinking about what is lacking in your life. This attitude applies to not just people, but toys, living situations, friends, and activities.
We raise our children in a culture that places consumerism and financial gain over a sense of community and family. Watching Saturday morning cartoons with my son is always an eye opener because each commercial is so perfectly targeted to the audience of each cartoon. I noticed my son would start asking for the same toys he saw on the cartoon that week. Living a life with no real focus beyond making the bills and getting through each day makes it logical to reward oneself with material gains. You get trapped in the idea that life is about making money and buying goods with it. Financial success definitely has its rewards, but experiencing life with your children is just as valuable to your child's growth. When I look back to my childhood, I don't reminisce about the toys I had. I remember the family outings to Flinstone's Campground, going swimming in Ocean City, eating burnt hotdogs on a stick with my brother, etc... Becoming aware of how we desensitize ourselves as parents will help us to change how we interact with the world and our children on a daily basis. By example, we can teach our children to appreciate the little things in their lives and to comprehend their unique family situation.
Here are some ways that I try to bring positive awareness to my son that I wanted to share.