By Illysa Foster, M.Ed
As parents, we have a unique opportunity to enhance our children's social development. Our children look to us in so many ways to learn about themselves and others. We teach our children about themselves in our interactions with them and we teach them about others through our actions and words.
When you first hold your tiny infant, or meet your adopted child, the feelings of responsibility may seem overwhelming. These initial senses are accurate. As parents, our role in the development of our children cannot be overestimated. We are our children's mirrors of themselves. Our children will form their beliefs about themselves in accordance with the messages people send them about their self-worth. Since we are the central relationship in their lives for the first ten or twelve years, it is our messages that are heard the loudest. What are the messages that your children are hearing?
If you are responsive to your children's expressions, then your children are probably hearing messages of positive self-worth. If you ignore your children's signals , then your child may be feeling helpless and devalued. The feelings that your children extract from your relationships with them can carry over into other areas of their lives. Children whose expressions are received and validated feel a sense of general confidence. These children are more likely to attempt new challenges, make friends easier, and adapt well to both positive and negative transitions. Children who have learned that their actions are inconsequential will avoid taking chances because they believe that their attempts will likely fail or go unrewarded.
Researchers have been able to distinguish sensitively responsive interactions between parents and their children from early infancy. T. Berry Brazelton, a well known pediatrician and researcher, identified mothers who were sensitive to their infants cues as having longer and smoother interactions with their babies. By letting their infants direct and avert their attention, these mothers helped their infants to feel safe and effective. Researchers who study attachment, such as Mary Ainsworth, have begun to label mother- infant relationships according to the quality of this bond. Babies who are securely attached with their mothers find security in their mothers" presence; as toddlers, they have better problem solving skills and are more compliant with maternal requests. Babies who lack secure attachment may be easily distressed and/or have difficulty regaining security in the mothers" presence. A secure attachment relationship serves infants by providing a secure base from which they may freely explore their environment and learn. What can we do to foster secure attachment in our infants? We must begin by recognizing our infants as whole individuals with intelligence, a developing personality and needs. Then we must tune in to their cues and interpret them to the best of our ability and respond appropriately.
My own two daughters are were very different in temperament. My oldest was easily calmed with physical contact and soft comforting words. In contrast, as an infant, my youngest daughter preferred movement. My partner and I adjusted our responses to meet our new babies unique needs.
We must evaluate our interactions and alter our behaviors as necessary to meet the infants" needs. Our responses should be as consistent as possible so that the infants" can begin to develop a sense of predictability from their actions. This encourages a sense of positive self-awareness and a safe view of the world. Interactions like this flow intuitively by nature, but often parents are advised to act against their intuitions by physicians or other well meaning people who believe in externally scheduled feeding and sleep times.
When parents tune in and respond to their infants" own internal feelings of hunger or sleepiness, the infants learn to trust their own senses and know that their actions can produce desired effects. As our reciprocal relationships with our infants develop, so does secure attachment.
Through toddler hood and early childhood, we must continue to listen to and value our children's" expressions. As toddlers become mobile and vocal, they struggle to meet their desire for independence and need for dependence. As parents of toddlers, we want to encourage independence by allowing our children to explore their abilities while maintaining attentive emotional support. It is the nature of a toddler to test limits and assert herself. Acknowledgement of increased independence enhances self-worth.
For two years I worked with toddlers and preschoolers on a daily basis, observing their strides toward autonomy. It was essential that I design my classroom to facilitate their success with independent work. The shelves were low so all of the materials were at their fingertips. Each child was responsible for clean-up. They were permitted the use of tools such as mini-hammers, brooms, and spray bottles. Yet, the kids never ceased to surprise me with requests to do "grown up" jobs, like cooking, washing dishes, and gardening. I felt it was my role as teacher to show them what they could accomplish. Of course, it is usually necessary for safety and sanity to set certain limits. Choose limits selectively and enforce them with much consistency.
Remember that some flexibility also aids the child in understanding the fluid nature of social interaction. In early childhood, the focus of development continues to be towards independence. Stable, supportive parental relationships enhance growth through this stage. As children develop other relationships, they can be seen imitating behaviors which they have observed in the home. We should be aware of the children and modify our own behaviors if we feel that they are inappropriate for our children. What are the ways in which we directly affect their behavior and what messages are they hearing by these direct tactics? Parents who are high on control and low on warmth are called authoritarian. The children of these parents are given little power in family and personal decisions. As a result, they may feel powerless and this may manifest into withdrawal and feelings of resentment and anger. As adolescents, these children may also be very rebellious.
On the other hand, parents who are low on control and high on warmth have been termed permissive indulgent. The children of these parents have been found to be highly creative, yet low on impulse control Permissive indifferent parents are low on both warmth and control. Their children have a high incidence of delinquency and may feel self rejecting.
In contrast to the authoritarian and permissive styles, authoritative parents are high on both control and warmth. The predictions for these children are the best. They have more self acceptance as well as individual and social competence. They also exercise more give-and-take and have good self-control.
It is important to recognize that while these findings can be generalized, there are exceptions. Some children thrive with very little adult control, while others seem to need more. Likewise, some ethnic groups tend to value a particular childrearing style. Generally, when parents are warm and accepting, their adolescents are more likely to feel more confident in their own beliefs. This helps them to develop their own values.
When parents allow adolescents some control in their own lives, odds are they'll feel more competent in the world. They have a better shot at making a smooth transition towards independence. It's easier for these adolescents to develop their own identity. Research on restrictiveness is mixed. Some restrictions are beneficial to development while too many can hamper. Grussek and Lytton describe three punishment tactics that parent use.
Spankings and timeouts are called power assertion techniques because they communicate the message, " I am bigger than you and can make you do what I want". Children usually do not internalize values when expressed through power because they do not understand the reasoning as to what they have done wrong and they do not get an opportunity to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
Love withdrawal is a less extreme version of power assertion that produces immediate compliance, but it seems cruel and counter intuitive. This type of technique may undermine adolescents feelings of security and acceptance.
Positive reinforcement has been shown to effectively increase desired behaviors from children when the rewards are in the form of praise and recognition. However, these rewards are external and may fail to change underlying beliefs.
Induction involves talking and reasoning with children and adolescents. If your choose this method, be sure to tie your reasoning to specific experiences so that the child can fully understand their meaning and incorporate them into their lives.
It"s important to encourage increased independence as adolescents develop their own identities. From infancy through adolescence, the messages we want to send our children are the same: you are a special, important person and I will support you at all times. These messages will enhance your child's social development.
For more information about parenting issues, please contact the Single Parent Resource Network at 694-5272 for a schedule of parenting classes led by Illyssa Foster, a college instructor of Psychology and Human Development.