By Jessica Mycelia
I began writing on the benefits of single parenting, as they have been for me, and realized that the principles that I have been learning apply to the benefits of being alive and facing any of life's challenges. The idea and experience of single parenting usually suggests failed relationships, isolation, financial and physical hardship. But from any walk of life, demographic position, socio-economic status, gender, race and cultural background, humans are experiencing similar heartaches, injustices, thought paradigms, degenerated environments, and life levels of confusion on just about everything from who we are to "what's the point?!"
The world is filled with examples of the ways humans have found to hurt one another. Since World War II the human population has grown from 2.5 billion to over 6 billion. Our suffering has risen exponentially, as does our talking about it. In the extreme, we are all painfully aware of the political wars being waged in Southern Europe and the Middle East, and yet there's a lot going on worldwide that just doesn't get headline attention.
We're battling it out politically, economically and ideologically. These modes of human interaction are not new. It just seems to change location, focus and intensity. Denying or escaping the awareness or responsibility towards life no longer seems an option. Keeping in mind that there are different levels to all experiences, the rational is not to quantify, but to qualify. So, not to say well, this or that situation is worse. The idea is to recognize the equality in all of life and see our way out of adversity consciousness. We, as women, men and children of earth share and relate much. We share atmosphere, water, food, the same solar system, ideas, products and I believe, heart and mind. So, while I cannot equate the ways in which I might suffer to what a woman in Iraq may be going through, I imagine that when her heart breaks, it feels very much like when my heart breaks. When she knows betrayal, abandonment, injustice, loss, and equally, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, hope, or creative flow, these things feel very much the same for us both. Our human heritage; while we share in our tears, we also share in our hopes and dreams. Every person has a voice, and a tremendous contribution to make to the future of our world. A common thought paradigm is that everything needs to be "healed". How I have learned to understand this, is that everything needs a shift in perception: that everything already exists in a state of perfection and a state of peace is a choice. So, everything is already healed. And what we are experiencing is a natural phenomena of minds who have made choices, collectively and over time. Change starts in individual minds. From here it becomes universal. Beyond my spiritual interpretations, think of the shift in feelings that happens when we change our minds about something. It can be something as simple as deciding you like a food that you always thought you hated, to something as magnanimous as loving someone who has hurt you more than you could have imagined. And yet, shifting our perceptions about one or the other is the same act of thought. To experience equality in life, we need to be able to experience equality within ourselves. It is just where we are emotionally invested that it seems the hardest to change. We all have a choice of where and how we "invest" our emotions, thoughts, words and actions.
I guess one of the hardest and most fundamental things to try and understand is the relationship. Some relationship birthed us all, and every moment of our lives is spent in relationship: with ourselves, family, lovers, friends, enemies, neighborhoods, schools, governments, employers, employees, the environment-you get the idea. Relationships can be easy, challenging, empowering, fun, debilitating, abusive, confusing, heartbreaking, intimate, separated by 6 degrees or so, and so on. But ultimately, we use them to learn something about ourselves and our experience at large. Life is full of paradox and the relationship is no exception.
Ah yes, the benefits of being a single parent! Without getting into the mechanics of every relationship and personality, what I hope to convey is that, beyond all that we think we see and experience, there are the choices we make in every moment about how we will understand, react to and find solutions to the smallest and largest of problems. Then we learn to view these problems as opportunities and as natural phenomena, at a time in human history where great changes in all aspects of life as we know it, are happening.
There are many different faces to the single parent. There are those who are the sole provider and caretaker of the children, due to death or separation. Some are co-parenting, with either the help or the hindrance, or both, of the other parent. Some are seasonal or part-time parents, having the children on weekends, holidays or some other agreed-upon or appointed schedule. Some are married and are yet in isolation due to absence, abuse, lack of support or other factors. All of these present their own unique challenges, yet translate into similar feelings. And depending on factors such as your demographic and primary imprinting, the challenges and injustices can seem insurmountable and debilitating. How does one begin to make the changes needed to free up the boundless amount of creativity, potential and glory inherent in each of us, in order to have a life of freedom, happiness and equality, towards lots of peace on earth?
While pregnant I had to ask myself, "How do I get out of this mess, do the most compassionate thing for all involved, be the mom and person that I believe in, provide for me and my child (I knew from the start, whether there was involvement with the other parent or not, I was on my own) and really, live my (our) dreams?" The first thing I had to do was get REAL honest with myself, which, ya know, can be hard if you're living with illusions; which, if you're life is stuck in negative or unhealthy patterns, relationships, etc., then you are living the illusion. OUCH! I had been living my dramas, my lies! It takes effort, challenge, devotion and commitment to rise from the morass of where human consciousness is. This is precisely the point!: To rise from our confusion, impediments and entanglements! As much as a part of me wanted to wallow and triumph in betrayal, vengeance, anger, victimization and whatever else the Gorgon's head could muster, I knew this was not good for me, my child, the world and the next seven generations. But you see, the Gorgon is the dark face of wisdom. It was through my dark experiences that these powerful emotions could surface. From here, I had to own them. These are my emotions, no one is sharing this pain with me and those that sort of are, well, they're good company for a while, but I definitely don't want to stay here.
I began by learning to fully accept responsibility for my situation. I've found that it is helpful and important to consider that whatever situations in life occur, each individual has chosen those things as a forum for personal mastery. Seldom will we understand all of the mechanisms which brought us to this point, nor is it necessary. But what is important to understand is that there may be a greater wisdom guiding our daily activities than we may be aware of. Learning to trust this wisdom and being a part of it aligns a person with the ever-present energy which created life in the first place.
Because I have a strong desire to have my life full of love and friendships and joy and sharing, the impetus was in place for some radical change. Change didn't mean that all my problems just disappeared, however, but it did make the road a lot less bumpy. The road to personal peace I found is in forgiving myself and others, and learning what compassion is. And it is only through these ways of being that freedom and peace will be. These ways of being already exist and the way to manifest them is through total attention on them as principles and ways of being. The love that will "save" us from ourselves just IS. It is in this that faith is born and the wisdom to be becomes the will to see us through. I realized that if I were going to transform my sadness and frustration to realize any benefit of happiness in my life, I had to learn about forgiving my ex-partner. And about loving him as an equal and a brother, not in some role based on romantic or traditional expectations.
I made some hefty decisions early on, partly based on my perceptions of survival, which brought on plenty of relief and a hefty dose of despair and confusion. I've learned to trust myself. I would say this is a foundational benefit that is at the root of walking gracefully through life. I'm learning to trust in something my senses don't understand. I'm learning what it means to let go of judgments. It is in my judgment of what is right or wrong, or of how things should be or by comparing myself to others, AND so importantly, allowing the judgments of others to affect me negatively, that leads to so much dysfunction. I thought, what choices do I have if the ideas I have about myself or the world are based in rejection, victimization or projection.
I'm learning that there are no victims. And therefore, there are no perpetrators of misery. They're both helpless. And they will find each other. If you've been abandoned, betrayed, rejected, lied to, beaten, had everything stripped from you, etc., there comes a time to stop taking it personally, to stop identifying with these patterns of energy. There is so much personal power and strength available, which gets wasted on the energies of victimization and judgment. Enforcing change or ideas based on the judgments which our senses and conditioning tell us are true, ultimately leads to struggle. Free yourself and you free others. I asked, what does the heart of God/Goddess speak? I've learned that approaching life with openness, and letting people be who and what they choose to be gives me the freedom to be who I am, enables honesty and deepens my appreciation for the diversity of all of life.
I can more easily identify what my values are, clarify my goals, and am learning to discern what is right for my life. As my needs are taken care of, often it doesn't happen as I think it will. There is always a surprise, a deep understanding, a new perspective, and a loving acceptance. In my sometimes isolation of single parenting I've found the greatest resource for love within, and through, my child. This is a relationship like no other. In a child's world, in a natural world, in a bio-energetic world: time does not operate according to an atomic clock or a multi-national schedule. I've learned that there are so many things to be present with every moment of a child's life, that lots of things just have to wait or are no longer important. That includes perceptions that a parent must be some idea of psychological perfection, or of being some superhuman in the material world. With my daughter, I laugh like never before. I have a sense of purpose like never before and sense a quality of fulfillment and intimacy, like never before. By being the only parent, I am free of a dysfunctional parental dynamic, and this is my choice for now.
As I make choices in my life based on my vision and values of a healthy and peaceful life, it seems the universe supports that in bringing healthy situations to me. By shifting my focus from personality issues to values, and learning to embody these as true feelings and wisdom - life changes and becomes more positive, gentle and interesting. I feel I'm able to give my daughter more life-affirming tools to work with; as she is here with her own agenda, challenges, and contributions to make to our world and the holistic cycle which is. I'm learning to resource this user-friendly universe! All the things I am learning due to the challenges of being a single parent are the benefits I have gained. Without the dynamics of challenge and change, I could have easily continued to avoid getting down to the creative flow of my life.
It is with thanks and gratitude that I can now be at peace with the father of my child, who has never been present, by choice, and who is free to be in a healthy relationship with us if he ever chooses. I honor him and his role in facilitating my present state of well being, for being a part of the struggle in his own way and of coarse, for his part in bringing our daughter into being! The benefits of my single parenting experience are gifts of life.
Community News & Information
November 2000